Wednesday, 6 May 2020

Coping with fear......

It has come to my notice that the font of this blog is quite small. I do not have time to change this at the moment but will do so when time permits. 

I have tried to write a blog for many weeks but my writing muse seems to have left me and I am left with grumbles and 'are we doing the right thing or not in leaving France' type of thinking, which I would not like to inflict on you because you have troubles of your own. In this blog I have always tried to leave you with a smidgeon of jollity, of hope for the future, of a 'not to worry, everything will come out alright eventually' way of thinking.

Unfortunately all this has deserted me during the last few weeks. Lock down has been a blessing, though, because we have had time to review our need to leave the farm and found it the right way forward for many reasons.
 - the French system, which is so difficult for small farmers, full of legislation and all written in French!
 - the heat. It is hot and humid here and my health does not like it. Neither is trying to grow your own veg.
 - we have to support our farming lifestyle by having an income. The French authorities breathe heavily upon us for wanting to do that. I was self employed in England and hoped to carry on doing the same here, but was unable to. My OH therefore had to support us, but then Brexit happened and rules changed. Fortunately he was given an option that if we moved to England again then he could maintain his current position with his employer. He was working online here, which gave him time to work on the farm as well.

Unfortunately the demands of his online work started sweeping aside the time he could spend on the farm. He was successful with his work, (he is a computer boffin!) and as time went on the farm began to suffer.
I, meanwhile, tried to carry on the running of the farm, but I had a problem with my health which came about by having heat stroke and not knowing I had it, culminating in a middle of the night evacuation into the local hospital when all my internal systems failed. Not to worry, I have recovered but not quite, and the vagaries of the SW region of France's fluctuating weather temperatures does not help.

The lock down has served a purpose as it has given us time to think about whether or not we carry on here. I went to the local supermarket a few days ago. It was my third time of going shopping since the lock down. And I found a fear in me about going out, leaving the farm, of going into a situation which may or may not give me the virus. This was not good. The fear was so great that I almost turned back as I waited in the social distancing line to go into the supermarket.

I took hold. I had gave myself a talking went something like this: If you are going to catch the virus then you will. Or you might not. To live in fear is not a good thing for it will diminish the quality of your life. You have recovered from strokes and heat stroke collapse without any invention from the medical authorities (apart from hospital experiences which were not under my control), by self administering your recovery. I learnt to turn towards the Universe to fix me. Therefore, should the virus come my way then the Universe will fix me again, or else I shall pass over and it would be my time to leave this Earth. I have already had three practice 'passing over's ' and it is wonderful experience to have once you embrace it.

So when I went into the supermarket I smiled at the young man who was gelling my hands and disinfecting the handles of the trolley, and I continued with good humour around the shop. I am not saying that the fear of being out in public had entirely evaporated, but it was much lessened by me taking hold of the fear.

All in all, we need to move, and soon. The contract with my OH's employer will hopefully still be waiting for us in England, but with the economic climate likely going into free fall for a while because of the result of the virus, then he may or may not have a job to go to. Not to worry, as my OH says, we go where the dice will fall.  We shall be out and about in public again. We may or may not get the virus. If we do we do, if we don't then we won't. To be afraid is not an option.

As always, I seem to have thought myself through by writing this blog....... so stay safe but do not let the quality of your life become diminished by fear. Do what you need to do, and live your life.

Bye for now,


Mama Pea said...

What a wonderfully well-written post, Vera. I applaud your positive outlook and attitude. It has helped bolster my own. Thank you. Sending you all the best wishes the Universe has to offer. And a huge, virtual hug!

Vera said...

MAMA PEA, thank you, and sending you a virtual hug back!

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

Vera, glad to hear from you. The two of you have been on my mind.

I am always so impressed by your ability to find the time and energy to focus on what is important, even in the midst of such turmoil. Hoping that all will go well and you will be on your way soon.

Rhodesia said...

Great to hear from you and I hope when you finally return to the UK that all will be well and that you will carry on blogging and letting us know how you both are. We are also not happy about going out and shopping fortnightly is all we do, This week though an idiot in the car park reversed straight out into the side of our car. Bad enough at any time, but when everything is closed including the Insurance and the police station.....

Take care and stay safe, hugs Diane

Dawn said...

I know how you feel regarding going out, I have no inclination to join the masses again, I am happy with my life here on the smallholding, I use zoom to socialise, when this all started I was was having sleepless nights over it all, now I have grown to accept what will be will be. Two friends have lost parents to Covid 19 and another friend had her daughter admitted to hospital a few days ago, Martins parents in France have found there is not much of a lockdown in there area and life seems to be pretty much the same. I have neighbours who just carry on as normal regardless, my gates are staying firmly shut, it’s been two months since I have been out and happy for it to stay like that.

Vera said...

TOIRDHEALBHEAD BEUCAIL.....I say to the Universe (God) mantras when things are getting difficult, by saying "The Lord will make straight my way" or "All good is coming to me / us" over and over again. This blocks my negative self, with all its grumblings and failings, and aligns me to the energy of the Universe, which have then set me on the right pathway. I have overcome all the obstacles that have come my way through life so far, and that includes patches of ill health which I have overcome with no medical intervention.
Bless you, I know you are a wise person, and therefore a searcher in life.
Thank you for your best wishes. Vx

RHODESIA......I was surprised at how fearful I was, as I stood in the supermarket queue, about catching the virus, and I am glad that I have confronted that fear because then I can deal with it!

DAWN, I would have been happy staying on my small holding as well, but times have changed for us and we have to move on. Hopefully we shall be able to build another small holding in the future, as we loved the lifestyle. We might eventually get a poly tunnel, something that we never got here!
Stay safe behind your gates until this is over, meanwhile we are going to be travelling through France and then to Shropshire soon!

Hope you and your husband stay safe. Vx

Cro Magnon said...

To increase the font size, hold down Ctrl and press +

Vera said...

CRO MAGNON, thanks for the info. I shall fiddle about with the blog, which will need changing anyway in the near future as we shift into the next chapter of our lives!

Jean said...

I know exactly how you feel. We feel the same nervousness now that the lockdown has been eased slightly, and we are if anything being even more cautious. At our age we can't afford not to, although infection rates in Derbyshire are about half what they are in other parts of the UK, especially the north west.

I hope that the whole thing does not scupper your plans, now that you have come to a decision to make such a huge change in your life. So many people's lives have been turned upside down and sometimes it's hard to stay positive.

Travel said...

Thanks for the update. You have had a great adventure, done what others thought was impossible, and you will have a lifetime of stories to tell.

Tommo said...

Damn, I've come to this posting really late. Sounds like you're both at a crossroads. Best of luck with whatever happens next. Seems daft of the French government to penalise the self-employed and to make things even tougher for small farmers trying to make ends meet. These are crazy times for everyone. Well done in beating your demons and venturing into the supermarché. We too are scared when going into public places. Luckily we're able to order supermarché stuff online and then go there to collect it all, already stashed in a trolley. Anyways, as I said, best of luck for the future.