Wednesday 6 May 2020

Coping with fear......

It has come to my notice that the font of this blog is quite small. I do not have time to change this at the moment but will do so when time permits. 

I have tried to write a blog for many weeks but my writing muse seems to have left me and I am left with grumbles and 'are we doing the right thing or not in leaving France' type of thinking, which I would not like to inflict on you because you have troubles of your own. In this blog I have always tried to leave you with a smidgeon of jollity, of hope for the future, of a 'not to worry, everything will come out alright eventually' way of thinking.

Unfortunately all this has deserted me during the last few weeks. Lock down has been a blessing, though, because we have had time to review our need to leave the farm and found it the right way forward for many reasons.
 - the French system, which is so difficult for small farmers, full of legislation and all written in French!
 - the heat. It is hot and humid here and my health does not like it. Neither is trying to grow your own veg.
 - we have to support our farming lifestyle by having an income. The French authorities breathe heavily upon us for wanting to do that. I was self employed in England and hoped to carry on doing the same here, but was unable to. My OH therefore had to support us, but then Brexit happened and rules changed. Fortunately he was given an option that if we moved to England again then he could maintain his current position with his employer. He was working online here, which gave him time to work on the farm as well.

Unfortunately the demands of his online work started sweeping aside the time he could spend on the farm. He was successful with his work, (he is a computer boffin!) and as time went on the farm began to suffer.
I, meanwhile, tried to carry on the running of the farm, but I had a problem with my health which came about by having heat stroke and not knowing I had it, culminating in a middle of the night evacuation into the local hospital when all my internal systems failed. Not to worry, I have recovered but not quite, and the vagaries of the SW region of France's fluctuating weather temperatures does not help.

The lock down has served a purpose as it has given us time to think about whether or not we carry on here. I went to the local supermarket a few days ago. It was my third time of going shopping since the lock down. And I found a fear in me about going out, leaving the farm, of going into a situation which may or may not give me the virus. This was not good. The fear was so great that I almost turned back as I waited in the social distancing line to go into the supermarket.

I took hold. I had gave myself a talking went something like this: If you are going to catch the virus then you will. Or you might not. To live in fear is not a good thing for it will diminish the quality of your life. You have recovered from strokes and heat stroke collapse without any invention from the medical authorities (apart from hospital experiences which were not under my control), by self administering your recovery. I learnt to turn towards the Universe to fix me. Therefore, should the virus come my way then the Universe will fix me again, or else I shall pass over and it would be my time to leave this Earth. I have already had three practice 'passing over's ' and it is wonderful experience to have once you embrace it.

So when I went into the supermarket I smiled at the young man who was gelling my hands and disinfecting the handles of the trolley, and I continued with good humour around the shop. I am not saying that the fear of being out in public had entirely evaporated, but it was much lessened by me taking hold of the fear.

All in all, we need to move, and soon. The contract with my OH's employer will hopefully still be waiting for us in England, but with the economic climate likely going into free fall for a while because of the result of the virus, then he may or may not have a job to go to. Not to worry, as my OH says, we go where the dice will fall.  We shall be out and about in public again. We may or may not get the virus. If we do we do, if we don't then we won't. To be afraid is not an option.

As always, I seem to have thought myself through by writing this blog....... so stay safe but do not let the quality of your life become diminished by fear. Do what you need to do, and live your life.

Bye for now,