Saturday, 2 January 2010

Hesitatingly stepping forward.....



It's been an odd few days. I was going to do a 'Year of Photo's', just to tidy up 2009, just to make a record of what how we did. Couldn't do it. Started working my way through the January files, pulling out the photos which marked steps being taken to go forward. But I shut the file down, skimmed through other months, then closed that project down as being a useless exercise. Why? Because it felt like too much hard work to revisit it all. It was a busy year, was 2009. But then all my years are busy. 
 


Of making decisions to go this way or that way, or stay here in this position or go forward into new stages, new experiences, when gates open, when the opportunity arises. Of standing still for the moment. Of waiting. Of doing it. When it comes. When the moment arrives.



Of the rocks and blockages that appeared to stop the progression forward, but in the end didn't. Still my life managed to flow onwards. In a straight line if I cared to see from whence I had come, but mostly not having the time to do so, the busyness of the flowing forward not allowing me to take the time to observe all that had been. Shame that I did not do this for myself. Because the rocks and barriers would not have seemed so difficult, so insurmountable.

 

Of daring to stand alone, despite opposition, despite lack of encouragement, despite  not being able to comprehend why my life was doing what it was doing at that particular moment. But hanging on to the flow of it anyway. Of standing by myself. Without support. But nevertheless growing strong. Strong enough to stand tall within myself.



Of blossoming in the darkness of the emotional mish mash.



Of learning to be patient when the river of my life was stopped. When the crossroad effect was happening. When I had to watch for the next chapter, the next adventure, the next learning curve of which there were many. Some steep. Some not so steep. But all requiring effort of self. Often I wished I could have stopped and let my life go on without me, let it pass on by, go off into the distance while I stayed where I was.



But I didn't. So I will go forward into 2010 with a good heart. Ready to take whatever it is my life brings my way, going with the flow, not knowing what is ahead but going forward to meet it anyway. 

However, I am not ready to have a look at all that we achieved during 2009, because, quite frankly, looking at the photographic record brought back the hectic rush of it all! 





And here I am, sending you a smile, wishing you well, hoping you are moving forward when the time is right for you to do so. I could have posted a tidier photo, but for most of the time I have a generally frazzled appearance which suits the way in which my life tumbles me forward.
So hesitatingly stepping into 2010, not ready to have a look back at all that 2009 brought my way yet, with my sixty third birthday on the horizon and "crikey how have I managed to get this far!" and thinking that it has been nice chatting to you, and hoping that you are doing OK, and off into my day I go. x
(I took these photos a few weeks ago when out on a walk down the lane and through the nearby maize fields)

12 comments:

Barry said...

The photos are stunning and your summation of your experience is very evocative. This is quite a beautiful and powerful post.

Vera said...

Thankyou so much, Barry, for your kind words, and for also taking the time to stop and read my post. Wishing you all the best.....

Roz said...

I love the photo of Boolie on the road - how is Gus doing these days?

Vera said...

Funnily enough, Roz, I was going to do an update about Gus! He is doing OK. And hope you are too.

DUTA said...

Year 2009 was a busy but fruitful year for you.
Your idea of "going with the flow" in 2010 is a good one, and it will lead you, no doubt, to desirable achievements.

As for the photo, I like it; it shows the clear, beautiful face of an authentic ,kind, and hard- working (spiritually and physically) woman.

Land of shimp said...

Oh my goodness, look at the mist! I half expected it to roll back and reveal a mystical land, just beyond the edges of the photograph.

That and when I saw the picture of the lone stalk I had the oddest thought, "Careful Vera, it appears to be advancing on your position under cover of mist!"

I think I may have had too much coffee this morning ;-) The photographs are all beautiful, and you do indeed have a good heart, Vera. It's a pleasure to know you via the internet.

Thank you for the pictures into your world, and may 2010 treat you and yours very well.

Julie said...

There is a beautifully ethereal quality to the images that accompany this post, Vera. I realise that you are trying to give an overview to your life here, but it would help me to know just why that part of France, when and where you were immediately prior to that.

Over to your writing blog now.

Vera said...

Oh, Duta, you are so kind! 'clear beautiful face'...'authentic, kind,...' Crikey but that's a lot to live up to! Thankyou again.

Vera said...

L of S, I think that the maize plant standing alone on the field looks like a trifid coming to get me as well! And the mist did feel magical, as if King Arthur and his knights were going to come charging through the mist any time soon! But then I have also just had a cup of coffee so could be suffering from cafeine over drive as well!
Thanks for your words, and look forward to popping over to visit your blog during 2010.

Vera said...

Ah, Julie. What have you done! Only given me a project, that's what! Which is? I think I will write about how we came to be here, based on your question of the same. So blessings to you for giving me a topic to write about, and look forward to reading the huge task you have set yourself for 2010, which is writing every day. Bon courage!

The Machinist's Wife said...

Vera, precious, precious. That's what I thought of when I read this post. Simply precious. xx

Vera said...

Thankyou, Helen.